i’m happy…or sorry?

 

 

 

 

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

I so badly want everyone to be happy.

Hard times are especially unpleasant when I feel like I’ll never be able to make it through. I’m in that position now and it’s upsetting, frustrating…In a time when I should be excited and eager for what is ahead, I am instead shaken and taken back. I’m on the guilt-trip express and I can’t figure out where my stop is and when/how to get off. 

There are plenty of reasons why I am allowed to be happy. I have been tremendously blessed and there is so much to look forward to yet, moving on makes me almost feel selfish, like a horrible person and that I ought to be ashamed for taking hold of new and better opportunities. It’s not like someone(s) actually said something along those lines. Not at all. On the contrary, those someone(s) couldn’t be more impressed, thrilled or proud of the choices I have made, the growth, independence and changes in myself and my future plans. I have built up though this enormous amount of remorse towards them by placing myself where they stand. And I’ve been wondering to myself, how is this fair? Why do I get to escape and start fresh and learn and flow and expand and experience the joy of life while that someone(s) stays right where they are, stuck, lost and left feeling helpless? Why do I feel so much anguish when in just a few weeks I will be in the position I have waited on for so long? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m restless. I can’t figure it out. I don’t understand why it is the way it is.

But.

What I press to tell myself (and as crazy as it all does sound) is that secretly, I like the vulnerability, the weakness, the imbalance (it’s just as worse writing it as it is saying it out loud). I like it because I know that God has a plan. I obviously can’t give credit to myself when things turn out all right but in those times, I can say without hesitation that the Lord was with me. I laugh at the small hiccups that I made into large ordeals once in the past and I smile thinking back to other prior troubling times. I do this because I cannot even fathom all the incredible lessons and changes and unimaginable gifts God has blessed me with. Where I am now is just so completely amazing and was so insanely unthinkable days, months, years ago…

This chapter in my life is something big and something new–both the changes I will be making and the emotions I will be facing. God is not going anywhere though. He is right along my side and that’s more than enough comfort and assurance I seek.

This is what I need to pray for and this is the hard truth I need to grasp onto

distracted? think about such things…

So, lately I’ve found myself really struggling with distractions. I just seem to take things in and mill them over by every detail and piece. Over analyze. And as much as I try pushing it all off, it still somehow comes right back and I have to actively be the voice of my thoughts rather than spew everything out. 

Hear out my heart: I do NOT want to be distracted! But it happens, you know? I’m distracted by new things, different things, old things, random things…

I’ve come to discover that I have become the type of person who enjoys a bit of a challenge, who gets excited for change. Nowadays I’m about going with something and go right at it even if I know I may lose.

Maybe its the chase?

But why the chase? What makes the chase all so thrilling? And why does it appeal to me?

My distractions have to do partially with the challenge, the chase. I want to know someone or something and if I don’t begin to see results in a time I feel something should begin to show, my interest fades and in some cases, rapidly. Or I begin to worry because something isn’t happening yet. Or I crash and get burnt out because I feel helpless. And then eventually these thoughts lead to the thankfulness I have that God doesn’t have such a short attention span as me!

I think my problem with distractions is that it floods my mind with all kinds of sinking thoughts that, to be honest, amount to absolutely nothing. And that’s the point. I’ve grown tired of it. And I think part of my frustration is that, its a consistent thing where if I don’t guard my mind, I’m just bound to get distracted and lose focus on the important things that remind me of who I really am, why I am and what I am meant to really do.

It is SO ANNOYING!!!! sigh.

I know the answer to this frustration. I’m sure you do too. I guess that I tend to forget at times and that’s what gets me.

Psalm 119:11 says, “Your Word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You.” The NASB says “treasured” rather than “hidden.” I need to treasure Him and His Word. I REALLY do!! God’s whole point is that I need to stop worrying about how I fall so short of His perfection. I know that I am human but I need to remember that I’m supposed to actually BE human. I’m so glad that God understands and has such incredible patience for me because let’s be real, I can be difficult at times! I need to learn how to guard my mind much more.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. –Philip. 4:4-8

God presents such a lesson for us within these verses.

First off, “Rejoice in the Lord”-My attitude is not always the best, actually, it’s horrible when I am not reminding myself of who Jesus is and when I do that, I remember His faithfulness and when I do that, I am filled with joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Not my pick-me up here and there or my temporary energy boost, my strength that gets me through every single day.

Secondly, “let your gentleness be evident.”-My spirit should remain to be entirely focused and dedicated to the Lord on such an intimate level before Him. This part of the verse just reminds me of who I am with Him.

I remember the Lord and who He is and I also remember who I am to Him.

Third, “do not be anxious about anything.”-This means, DON’T WORRY ALL THE TIME, KRISTY!! God is in control. He is there, watching over me. To worry is fear. Fear is the opposite of courage, security..etc. Whom shall I fear? What shall I fear? Period. The end. Don’t worry.

Fourth, “present your requests to God.”-Since God knows we need to release everything and all that is invading our minds, He tells us to bring it to Him. And this is SO good. I’m glad He can handle it because to be honest, I sometimes can’t.

So, 1) Remember who God is–receive joy 2) Remember who I am in God–gain a better perspective, a reality check if you will. 3) No need to worry. The verses tell us that the small things that bog us down are no match to the greatness of our Lord–all the weight off your shoulders. 4) Release it to Jesus. He cares for us–it’s neverending.

“Think about such things.”-The peace of God guards not only my heart but my mind as well! This allows me to think about what is important and making me think about everything I do.

No more distractions. Now to just hold onto all of this…

i’m giving in to something heavenly

It’s time for healing, time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right, what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender…

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly

wait & go

You know, I didn’t realize I could do what I’ve been doing.

I didn’t know I could actually press through this sort of distress (not to mention at such a fast pace). I’ve done it before, I know I have. I just remember it being much harder the first time…much harder.
This time though, I’m stronger somehow. And I can’t remember exactly where I became stronger, I just know that last year, around this same time, I was in the same state of pain. The difference is, that it’s this year, and I’ve lived a full year since then.

I grew. I’ve grown.

I have a better grasp and a more trusted understanding of God’s ways. I know that God is telling me that He wants me to hold my head high for He has such an incredible plan for my life. Choosing to stand by Him and learn from His statutes, I will be given the wisdom that I so long for and I can stay confident in Him no matter how things seem to be going and just allow Him to lead me on. I am His and I know He will never hurt or forsake me. He WILL complete the works He has begun in me and show me my dreams as I continue to pursue Him.

And yet, I cannot resist.

I cannot help the feelings I have. I can restrain them though. I’ve learned.
I can hide them as well.

Sometimes, I  just don’t know what I’ll do.

The truth is though, it’s my time to wait, AND keep going, as strange as it may sound.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m confused and frustrated and hurt.

But I love a lot too.  And that’s why I must go through some of this pain.
Because Jesus did.

And He calls us to follow Him in our every day walk. This must mean that THIS…this thing I’m going through, is Good.

And if it is Good,

then, I know I’ll be okay